In March 2022, I lost my father due to a sudden heart attack the day before my 20th birthday. My heart broke into a million pieces. My Dad was my best friend and hero.
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Six months later, my grandmother who had been suffering dementia passed away due to complications with COVID-19. She was more than a grandma to me; she was a second mother. I could not fathom that I lost another person who shaped me into who I am.
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November 2023, however, was one of the most traumatic days of my life. My beautiful mom died of suicide. I found her. My role model and the only person who was giving me a sense of security at the time was stripped away from me in an instant. The entire world as I knew it had changed forever, and I became an adult orphan.
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I have endured several traumatic losses in less than two years. I am actively grieving, and will for the rest of my life. I miss them every single day.
I assume you are now asking a lot of questions. Where does she live now? Does she have any siblings? Do I need to adopt her? Or, much like some of my Hinge dates last year, you thought to yourself, "that sounds like a lot," and closed the page.
Here's a little more about me personally. I am a 2024 graduate from New York University. I am a professional actor and singer based in NYC. I have a love for comedies, sitcoms, and horror. I am a voice teacher, and I love voice so much that I'm planning to get my masters in Speech Language Pathology. In other words, no, I don't stop. I experienced traumatic grief beyond comprehension and still managed to graduate on time with a 3.8 gpa. And no, this isn't a brag. This is a way of saying that you. can. do. this. Some days you won't be able to. That's okay. Every day is going to feel different. But if this site leaves you with anything, it is that even if you can't now, you will be able to live again. I'm honestly still learning that part. Let yourself grieve, and give yourself grace.
I have become the legal guardian of my 16-year-old brother, and he lives in Tampa with my 84-year-old widower grandfather. I call their house the "Florida bachelor pad." After a while, and with a lot of help, I got (mostly) everything under control. But, I went through an unspeakable amount of change in such a short time. My role in my family changed. My priorities changed. I learned the true meaning of discipline when another person's life became my responsibility. I had to create a new relationship with the world around me, and a new relationship with myself. Most importantly, I had to rebuild my sense of stability brick by brick. I will be working on that for a while, maybe even my whole life. I lost some very close friends, and grew even closer to others. I became even closer to my family, some by blood, others by choice. Adversity forces you to learn what trust looks like.
You can probably imagine that becoming orphaned and the guardian of a teenager at 22 feels isolating. At first, I didn't know anyone in my position. I felt so alone, and wanted nothing more than to talk to someone who said "me too" when I explained the complicated feelings that came with my grief. Meeting those who lost one or both parents was comforting, but they were often older than me, and their parents died at an older age. Mine were 52, so not only was I grieving the absense of them in my life, I was also grieving their shortened time on earth.
My cousin introduced me to Dinner Party and The Buddy System, and I was able to meet someone my age who had been orphaned as a young adult. Knowing that there was someone out there feeling similar pain to mine made me feel less alone. It provided comfort for me, and through that, I realized, that there may be other 20-something-year-olds going through this. My goal with "Trauma's a B*tch" is to hopefully provide even the tiniest bit of comfort to a young adult experiencing profound grief and/or trauma. Grief is a broad term, so is trauma. If anyone is able to read this and relate, that is why I made this.
What I do want to touch on, however, is the idea that this is not a how-to guide. Many days I have no clue what I am doing. Some days I do not want to get out of bed. I will candidly share my personal experience, and with that, comes a lot of vulnerability. I will try with my best efforts to approach this with respect, honesty, and kindness. This is a labor of love, and is very, very meaningful to me. I love no one more than the people who raised me. My dream is to keep their legacy alive, and make them proud.